My mother-in-law buys overly girly clothes for my daughter. I try to be gracious but it kills me – do I tell her to stop? | Australian lifestyle

I am the mother of a six-year-old girl, and I have relatively progressive views about gender. Among other things, I try to give my daughter a choice of clothes that are practical – T-shirts, leggings – and that tend to be unisex in colour scheme. There are no overly fussy and frilly skirts and dresses in pink and sparkles in her wardrobe. As much as possible, I try to buy non-sweatshop brands. These choices are part of a world system of values I want to show my daughter – that being a “girl” is so much more than just wearing a frilly dress; that we can have well-made things without contributing to the suffering of others.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, loves buying these sorts of clothes for my daughter (her granddaughter). She is a kind and caring woman, and this is one of her love languages. These clothes are often gauche, overly feminine, expensive and poorly made.

I try my best to be gracious in accepting these things but it kills me to pass them to my daughter to wear. I feel like she is enforcing these specific views on gender, through fashion, on my daughter, that don’t align with how I want to raise her. As a result, my mother-in-law becomes hurt that I’m not dressing my daughter in these ugly froufrou clothes; and I feel guilty about wasting her time and money.

Should I be upfront with her about what clothes I do and don’t want her to buy for my daughter? Or am I overthinking it and should let this slide?

Eleanor says: For what it’s worth, to be defined by rejecting something is still to be defined by it. “Overly feminine”, “ugly froufrou”; these are still judgments about how to be a girl well.

I completely share your taste here, so I point this out from right next to you in the trenches of thinking about femininity and pink and frills for young girls. It took me so long to work out that just as the firm belief that women must be “girly” is freighted with all kinds of sexism, the firm belief that we mustn’t is freighted with other generalisations, too – some no less sexist. For instance, “if feminine, vapid”. (Why, when I need to seem serious at work, do I dress more like a man?)

This isn’t to say your careful selection of your daughter’s wardrobe is wrong. It’s a wonderful counterbalance to all the nonsense that the world will expect her to love. But there’s a slight risk that in trying to get our girls away from “you must love frilly skirts and pink”, we swing all the way to a different kind of enforcement: “you mustn’t love frilly skirts and pink”. And that’s the seeds of a complex: the clues that clothing is somehow grave, contains rules, is something you can get wrong.

I think the bigger issue is that your mother-in-law is treading on a parenting preference of yours. She’s either not noticing or not minding the gulf between your tastes in things to buy your daughter. Neither is very thoughtful of the fact that this is your child.

Perhaps she feels your rejection of her taste is judgmental. But presumably she doesn’t like some things you like, and she wouldn’t want you to infer that, as a result, she thinks you’re bad or wrong. So it needn’t mean that when you don’t share her taste, either. That may be a useful way of framing things: we’re just different. No need to fear that. Your taste just isn’t hers, and you’re the parent.

Could you perhaps redirect some of this impulse to buy things? If it’s a love language, could it be more exciting for her to buy stuff your daughter is actually interested in – equipment for a hobby, toys, stationery? Or objects that can express a bit of your mother-in-law’s taste, but that your daughter doesn’t have to wear, and that are more likely to be made ethically – like a kind of food, a local treat, a decoration? Could you nudge her towards at least buying costumes for playing make-believe – so they don’t seem to say that this is how girls should dress, all the time?

This strategy is a bit cheekier, but you could also say you’re trying to not let your daughter get too used to expensive things and lots of presents. That way it’s not about what your mother-in-law gives: you could ask her to focus instead on teaching her things, or making things together. That may make her feel less rejected, while still meaning you don’t have to come home with a bag full of taffeta.

I so understand trying to teach your daughter important values through her clothes and consumer choices. Perhaps one lesson you can model is that Mum and Grandma have different ideas about important things, and that’s OK.

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